When the father comes home, he is very scared.

He finds his charming daughter crying pitifully.

When he asked the reason, she says: "I got a marriage proposal today!"

The father laughs and replies, "That's no reason to cry. It is rather a reason to be happy!"

"No, no," said the daughter, "I would rather stay with Mommy!"

"Well," says the father, "Take her with you! ..."

A drunken slurs at the bar to the bartender: "I was just unlucky in marriage. Twice I was married - my first wife died of mushroom poisoning, and my second to a fractured skull ...."

"That's horrible! How did that happen with your second wife?"

"She did not like to eat the mushrooms ..."

Just four weeks is the young couple married as Cornelia calls her mother and sobs. "We had our first quarrel"

"Just calm down child it happens from time to time in every marriage."

"Yes, but I do not know what to do with the corpse."

A 80-year-old man would like to sleep once again with his wife.

As he wants to get going straight, she says: "Wait, not without a condom!"

He answers puzzled: "Why, at your age you don't get more children!"

She: "But maybe salmonella from the old eggs!"

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and notes that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and leaves the bedroom. He sits at the kitchen table in front of a cup of coffee - deep in thought ... stares only against the wall.

You can observe how it runs a tear from his eyes and he takes a swig of his coffee. "What's wrong, honey? Why are you sitting at this time in the kitchen?" she asks him.

"Do you remember when we had our first date 20 years ago? You were just 16!" he asks her.
"But yes!" she replies.

"Do you remember that your father caught us when we made love on the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember well that I will never forget."

"Remember also, as he holded his to my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or you walk for the next 20 years into prison!'?"
"Oh yeah!" she says

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "You know ... today I would have been dismissed!"

A couple was invited to a Halloween party. However, the woman had a severe headache and told her husband that he should go alone to the party. Actually, he wanted her to come along, but in the end he decided, but to go alone.

The woman took a pain pill and went to bed.

After one hour, the woman woke up, the headache was gone. Since it was not late yet, she decided to still go to the party. Since her husband did not know her costume, she imagined that it could be funny to watch her husband without his knowledge.

Shortly after they arrived at the party, she discovered her husband on the dance floor. He never missed an opportunity to dance with women, to touch and kiss. She snaked to him and made him pretty straightforward. He immediately agreed to this. She let him have his way, because she was his wife. Finally, he whispered in her ear a clear offer. She agrees and they curled into the car and had sex with each other. Shortly before the unmasking at midnight she left, went home and provided the costume. Wrapped she waited in bed for him.

When he come home, she asked him how the party was.
He replied, "Oh, nothing special you know, when you're not there, I can not have fun anyway right."

She asked him: "Did you dance much?"
He: "No, not a single time. As I arrived, I met Peter, Thomas and some other dudes. We withdrew us into the back room and played the whole evening poker. But you will not believe what happened the guy ... I've borrowed my costume ..."

A couple in the evening in the living room. He reads the newspaper.

She: "Dear, our faucet in the kitchen is dripping, can you take a look at it?"
He: "I'm not a plumber!"

The next evening, the couple is back in the living room, he reads his newspaper as usual.

She: "Dear ... look at the ceiling, the plaster is crumbling, can you fix it?"
He: "I'm not a plasterer!"

The next day is it for the wife too colorful.

She calls her friend and tells him the problems.

He immediately comes and repaired the faucet and the ceiling.

In the evening when the husband reads the newspaper again, the wife says proudly: "Dear take a look, the faucet does not drip any more and from the ceiling is no more crumbling plaster."

He: "Who has made the repairs? It has surely cost a lot of money ..?"
She: "No, no, that got repaired by an acquaintance. He wanted as payment either that I bake him a cake or have sex with him ..."

He: "Yes, and you have baked him a cake?"
She: "I'm not a baker ..."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor.

After the check-up the doctor calls the wife alone in his room and says. "Your husband is in a terrible condition, he suffers from a very serious illness that is associated with stress. You have to follow my instructions or he will die: make him every morning a nourishing breakfast, for lunch you give him a good meal that he can take to work and in the evening you cook him a really tasty dinner. Don't annoy him with unimportant and little things. That can even make his stress worsen. Don't discuss any problems with him. Try to relax him and massage him frequently. He should watch especially much team sports on TV and most importantly, satisfy him sexually completely several times a week. If you keep you on thin instructions for the next ten months, he will get healthy again."

On the way home, her husband asks: "What did the doctor tell you?"

The woman replies: "You will die"

An old couple gets asked by a reporter: "You are now 60 years married. How is it that they had a so harmonious marriage all these years?"

The husband takes his wife delicate hand and says gently: "It started everything on our honeymoon! We were on the road with mules to the Niagara Falls, as the animal of my wife stumbled! At the last second, my wife managed it to keep herself without plunging into the abyss on the animal and she mumbled only 'one'. A few kilometers later the animal fell a second time, my wife could prevent in the last second the fall in the depth and muttered only 'two'. It came as it should come, the animal fell a third time. Again my wife could only try utmost prevent the fall in the depth. This time she said 'three', rose from her Mule, pulled a 45 Magnum out of her backpack and shot the animal! As I was doing my displeasure and my objection about her behavior towards the animal my wife just looked at me and muttered 'one' ..."

Meeting of two men.

One asks the other: "How did you take the separation from your wife?"

The other responds: "Now it's okay already, but the first weeks I thought that I get mad from joy!"