The doctor explains to the patient with a worried expression: "You absolutely must stop drinking, your last blood sample has evaporated, before I could analyze it!"

"You have to exercise more care in filling out the death certificate," the chief doctor warns the young assistant doctor,

"You have entered again your own name in the column 'Cause of death'."

An eighty year old man tells to his doctor that he wants to marry next week again.

The doctor says: "The beloved is beautiful, how old?"
"18 years young!", the old man replies.

"Uh-oh" says the doctor, "because you have to watch out - any activity in bed could mean the death!"

To the old man: "Well, if she dies, she just dies!"

The patient is taking a new approach: "Doctor, can I drink again wine and schnapps?"

"But, listen, I have forbidden that two weeks ago for you."

"This is true. I just thought, science had progressed in the meantime."

Asks the doctor the patient: "Why are you running out of the operating room?"

Patient: "The sister has said: Do not worry, that's just a simple appendectomy. You are are able to handle it."

Doctor: "And what's wrong with that?"

Patient: "She did not say it to me. She said it to the surgeon ..."

Man at the doctor: "Doctor, how can I get an age of 100 years?"

Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Do you eat excessively?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Do you go to bed late?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Do you have affairs with women?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Why do you want to get so old at all?"

"You have a very rare, very contagious disease. We need to relocate you to the isolation ward, where you get only potato pancakes and fried eggs to eat."

"Will it help me to recover?"

"No, but that are the only things which can get under the door pushed through."

An elderly lady comes to the doctor: "Doctor, I have this flatulence, although not so much bother me you never stink and they always go off quietly Really, I had probably already twenty flatulence, since I'm in the room here.. even though you might not notice, because this happens with no odor or noise. "

The Doctor: "Take these pills and come back in a week!"

After a week, the patient appears again and says: "Doctor, what the hell you gave me there, my bloating - although they are still silent - they stink horribly"

Doctor: "Very good! Now that your nose is working again, we want to take care of your hearing."

A young woman comes to the doctor and complains of abdominal pain.

The doctor asks the woman "You undress please, so I can examine you".

After five minutes examination the doctor says: "congratulations! "You're pregnant!"
The doctor would like to fill out a form of course immediately and asks: "How is the name of your husband?"
"I'm not married..."

"All right. What is the name of your fiancée or friend?"
"I am neither engaged nor do I have a boyfriend."

The doctor is increasingly impatient. "It doesn't matter. What is the name of the father of your child?"
The woman is in turn mild surprise: "You hear. I've never been with a guy and have never consorted with a man!"

The doctor is thoughtful, turns around, rubs the hand on the chin, goes to the window and look out.

After 10 minutes the woman is getting impatient and asks: "Why you look going out the window?"

"Do know. As something like that has happened the last time, there appeared a shining star on the heaven and there came three kings. I don't want to miss that!..."

The doctor asks his patients to the treatment room and says: "I have a good and bad news for you."

The patient says: "OK then they say only the good me."

The doctor says: "A disease is named after you soon."