"You have a very rare, very contagious disease. We need to relocate you to the isolation ward, where you get only potato pancakes and fried eggs to eat."

"Will it help me to recover?"

"No, but that are the only things which can get under the door pushed through."

An elderly lady comes to the doctor: "Doctor, I have this flatulence, although not so much bother me you never stink and they always go off quietly Really, I had probably already twenty flatulence, since I'm in the room here.. even though you might not notice, because this happens with no odor or noise. "

The Doctor: "Take these pills and come back in a week!"

After a week, the patient appears again and says: "Doctor, what the hell you gave me there, my bloating - although they are still silent - they stink horribly"

Doctor: "Very good! Now that your nose is working again, we want to take care of your hearing."

A young woman comes to the doctor and complains of abdominal pain.

The doctor asks the woman "You undress please, so I can examine you".

After five minutes examination the doctor says: "congratulations! "You're pregnant!"
The doctor would like to fill out a form of course immediately and asks: "How is the name of your husband?"
"I'm not married..."

"All right. What is the name of your fiancée or friend?"
"I am neither engaged nor do I have a boyfriend."

The doctor is increasingly impatient. "It doesn't matter. What is the name of the father of your child?"
The woman is in turn mild surprise: "You hear. I've never been with a guy and have never consorted with a man!"

The doctor is thoughtful, turns around, rubs the hand on the chin, goes to the window and look out.

After 10 minutes the woman is getting impatient and asks: "Why you look going out the window?"

"Do know. As something like that has happened the last time, there appeared a shining star on the heaven and there came three kings. I don't want to miss that!..."

The doctor asks his patients to the treatment room and says: "I have a good and bad news for you."

The patient says: "OK then they say only the good me."

The doctor says: "A disease is named after you soon."

A husband brings his pregnant wife to the hospital because it's time.

The doctor says there is a new system that allows the husband to take the pain of women in childbirth.
The spouses agree to the trial and the birth starts.

The doctor provides the scale to 10%, so that the husband takes over 10% of the pain.

The husband says he is doing well, so that the doctor revs up to 30%.

The husband still feels good, so the doctor increased to 50%.

The husband is doing well and then tells the doctor that he should be increased to 100%, which he does.

The husband still feels very good, the child is born and the woman had not really pain.

When they come with their baby home, you can find the postman dead on their doorstep.

A young brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch my body, it hurts."

"Impossible," the doctor says it.

As the brunette takes your finger and presses it against her elbow and screams. She presses it against his knee and screams again, then presses it against his stomach, screaming, etc.

Then the doctor says: "You are not really brunette?"

"No," she replies, "I'm in reality blonde".

"I thought so," said the doctor, "because your finger is broken."

Participants: nurse and a totally nervous doctor.

Doctor: Sister (roars) nurse!!!

Nurse: Yes?

Doctor: Give me times a piece of paper (the doctor scribbles around on it)

Nurse: But sir ....
Doctor: Please do not interrupt me ...

Nurse: Yes, but sir ....
Doctor: Please do not interrupt me ...

Sister: But sir, you are writing with the thermometer.

Doc: Then you go and look in which ass you'll find my pen!

Patient: "I suffer from insomnia!"

Doctor: "Aha here I prescribe them a good aphrodisiac.."

Patient: "Hmmm THEREOF should I go to sleep ...?"

Doctor: "No, but staying awake is much more amusing ..."

A man comes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he had a serious, contagious disease. For the treatment he will prescribe mud baths.

Hopefully asks the patient whether it would be better to him.

"That's not - but you get used to talk on the damp earth."

Ask the patient: "Is it bad with me, Doctor?"

Doctor: "In your case I would not buy a LP."