A blonde burned her both ears.

"How did that happen?", the doctor who rushed to the scene wants to know.

"Well, I was just while ironing, the phone rang, and then I lifted the iron to the ear by a mistake."

Then the doctor: "Yes, but how has it happened that the other one also burned?"

The blonde replies, "Well, that's happened to me when I wanted to call you!"

The doctor explains to the patient with a worried expression: "You absolutely must stop drinking, your last blood sample has evaporated, before I could analyze it!"

"You have to exercise more care in filling out the death certificate," the chief doctor warns the young assistant doctor,

"You have entered again your own name in the column 'Cause of death'."

An eighty year old man tells to his doctor that he wants to marry next week again.

The doctor says: "The beloved is beautiful, how old?"
"18 years young!", the old man replies.

"Uh-oh" says the doctor, "because you have to watch out - any activity in bed could mean the death!"

To the old man: "Well, if she dies, she just dies!"

The patient is taking a new approach: "Doctor, can I drink again wine and schnapps?"

"But, listen, I have forbidden that two weeks ago for you."

"This is true. I just thought, science had progressed in the meantime."

A notorious miser is calling his doctor, his lawyer and the parish priest to the deathbed.

"I decided to take my money to the grave", he says and gives each of them a thick envelope, "throw these envelopes at my funeral into my coffin."

Two weeks later, at the funeral, the three men are throwing the entrusted envelopes into the grave.

A few days later the priest confesses that he had diverted 50,000 dollars for the church renovation.

It also facilitates the physician's conscience and he admits that he has taken from the envelope 100,000 dollars for medical devices.

Then the lawyer: "Gentlemen, what have you done is embezzlement. You should be ashamed. I gave the money to an escrow account managed by me and placed into the envelope a check for the full amount ..."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor.

After the check-up the doctor calls the wife alone in his room and says. "Your husband is in a terrible condition, he suffers from a very serious illness that is associated with stress. You have to follow my instructions or he will die: make him every morning a nourishing breakfast, for lunch you give him a good meal that he can take to work and in the evening you cook him a really tasty dinner. Don't annoy him with unimportant and little things. That can even make his stress worsen. Don't discuss any problems with him. Try to relax him and massage him frequently. He should watch especially much team sports on TV and most importantly, satisfy him sexually completely several times a week. If you keep you on thin instructions for the next ten months, he will get healthy again."

On the way home, her husband asks: "What did the doctor tell you?"

The woman replies: "You will die"

A Scot comes with a vial to the doctor to get it examined.

A week later, he learns the result: "All right," says the doctor, "you are healthy perfectly."

Cheerful the Scot goes home and calls his wife: "Sharon, neither you, nor I, neither the children nor Uncle Mac have any disease!"

Two motorcycle riders, Toni and Gerd, rush at a desert rally through the sand. When they discover a bush along the way, they stop to pee. All of a sudden a snake shoots out and bites Toni in his best piece. Pale it sinks into the sand, Gerd brings the radio rapidly and spark the doctor for help.

The doctor asks: "What color was the Snake?"
Gerd to Toni: "The doctor asks after the color of the serpent!"
Toni moans back: "Black with red patterns."
Gerd Sparks's by the doctor.

The doctor responds: "The Snake is very poisonous!"
Toni asks pressed: "What the doctor said?"
Gerd hesitantly: "The doctor says the Snake is very toxic."
Toni desperate: "Ask him what we can do."

Gerd sparks the question what to do is the doctor.
The doctor: "The bite site opens with the knife a little bit"
Gerd propagates the information and Toni, already quite weak performs the very painful cuts. He is very pale and struggling for air.
Gerd sparks back to the doctor: "What is to do now?"
Doctor: "You must suck now at the bite site!"
Toni gasps: "What the doctor said?"

Gerd slowly: "The doctor says you have to die..."

Man at the doctor: "Doctor, how can I get an age of 100 years?"

Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Do you eat excessively?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Do you go to bed late?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Do you have affairs with women?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Why do you want to get so old at all?"