A man is sitting in a bar and has a glass standing in front of him.

A friend comes in, takes the glass without asking and tilts the contents down.

Since incensed the first: "What is this really? What have I done? I have now really a totally shitty day behind me. At work, I'm kicked out, on the way home I've built an accident, total damage. I have catched my wife with my best friend in bed, my son has raided a bank and has been caught and my daughter is pregnant and do not know by whom. And then you come along and drink my poison ..."

A rabbi is annoyed that many of the faithfuls are coming without a cap in the synagogue.

So he wrote at the entrance: "Entering the synagogue bareheaded is an with adultery comparable offense!"

The next day is written under it: "Have tried both - No comparison!"

As Clinton has been president of the U.S. he has been going on a snowy morning to work and looked shocked that someone has pissed "Clinton is a wanker" into the snow.

Clinton is highly angry and lets his intelligence chief to come to him: "Find immediately out who has pissed this mess into the snow".

The next day, the intelligence chief comes back and says: "I have a bad and an even worse message. Which one want you to hear first?"

Clinton opts for the poor.
"So, we caught the culprit. It is the defense minister!"

Clinton is appalled. "And .... and what is the even worse news?"
"It's the hand writing of Hillary ..."

Man at the doctor: "Doctor, how can I get an age of 100 years?"

Doctor: "Do you smoke?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Do you eat excessively?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Do you go to bed late?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Do you have affairs with women?"
Patient: "No."

Doctor: "Why do you want to get so old at all?"

"You have a very rare, very contagious disease. We need to relocate you to the isolation ward, where you get only potato pancakes and fried eggs to eat."

"Will it help me to recover?"

"No, but that are the only things which can get under the door pushed through."

A father gives money to his two sons for buying a bull for him.
The two go to town and buy the bull. However, they only need half of the money.
For the remaing, they decide to go in the whorehouse.

They say to the madam that they really want to experience something and give her the money.
They also ask, that they may take the bull to the room that it not get stolen. So it happens.

When they are gone, the madam asks the hooker how the guys have been.

The hooker answers: "The first one was really bad, the second so-so, but the guy with the Viking helmet has managed me real!"

God and Peter are playing golf.

God distorts his tee shot and the ball rolls towards to the bunker.

At the moment comes a mouse grabs the golf ball, then a cat cat catches the mouse, then comes an eagle and grabs the cat and swings with her into the air, afterwards a flash strikes in the Eagle with the cat, mouse and the golf ball.
The golf ball falls exactly into the hole.

Says Peter: "What is now? Are we playing golf or are we fooling around?"

A policewoman regulates the traffic on a crossing.

She recognizes that she gets her period. Over the radio she asks for a replacement. Finally after three hours a policeman appears for her replacement. He is completely drunk.

The policewoman hisses at him: "Tell me, why are you coming late and completely drunk?"

The colleague babbles: "Your radio message that you have gotten your period has spread very quickly at the police station to all of us. Well, first Dieter has spent a drink, then Gunther has spent a drink, afterwards ... "

Herbert said to his neighbor: "I have no luck with the women."

"Yes, I know, your first ran away from you."

"True, but what is more worse, the second stayed!"

A rocker comes in a restaurant and looks around for a seat.

He sees an old man sitting before a bowl of soup, but the man doesn't eat his soup.

The rocker thinks: "That's a shame. The soup is cold. And I'm hungry. If I eat this soup, I don't need to wait for the service and I have to pay for it." He sits down to the old mans table, takes the soup and starts to eat. The old man shows no reaction.

The rocker has almost finished eaten the soup, as a comb is full with hair revealed.

The rocker vomits the soup immediately back into the plate.

Now the old man responded: "That's funny. You came just as much as I ..."