The patient is taking a new approach: "Doctor, can I drink again wine and schnapps?"

"But, listen, I have forbidden that two weeks ago for you."

"This is true. I just thought, science had progressed in the meantime."

A notorious miser is calling his doctor, his lawyer and the parish priest to the deathbed.

"I decided to take my money to the grave", he says and gives each of them a thick envelope, "throw these envelopes at my funeral into my coffin."

Two weeks later, at the funeral, the three men are throwing the entrusted envelopes into the grave.

A few days later the priest confesses that he had diverted 50,000 dollars for the church renovation.

It also facilitates the physician's conscience and he admits that he has taken from the envelope 100,000 dollars for medical devices.

Then the lawyer: "Gentlemen, what have you done is embezzlement. You should be ashamed. I gave the money to an escrow account managed by me and placed into the envelope a check for the full amount ..."

A couple was invited to a Halloween party. However, the woman had a severe headache and told her husband that he should go alone to the party. Actually, he wanted her to come along, but in the end he decided, but to go alone.

The woman took a pain pill and went to bed.

After one hour, the woman woke up, the headache was gone. Since it was not late yet, she decided to still go to the party. Since her husband did not know her costume, she imagined that it could be funny to watch her husband without his knowledge.

Shortly after they arrived at the party, she discovered her husband on the dance floor. He never missed an opportunity to dance with women, to touch and kiss. She snaked to him and made him pretty straightforward. He immediately agreed to this. She let him have his way, because she was his wife. Finally, he whispered in her ear a clear offer. She agrees and they curled into the car and had sex with each other. Shortly before the unmasking at midnight she left, went home and provided the costume. Wrapped she waited in bed for him.

When he come home, she asked him how the party was.
He replied, "Oh, nothing special you know, when you're not there, I can not have fun anyway right."

She asked him: "Did you dance much?"
He: "No, not a single time. As I arrived, I met Peter, Thomas and some other dudes. We withdrew us into the back room and played the whole evening poker. But you will not believe what happened the guy ... I've borrowed my costume ..."

A couple in the evening in the living room. He reads the newspaper.

She: "Dear, our faucet in the kitchen is dripping, can you take a look at it?"
He: "I'm not a plumber!"

The next evening, the couple is back in the living room, he reads his newspaper as usual.

She: "Dear ... look at the ceiling, the plaster is crumbling, can you fix it?"
He: "I'm not a plasterer!"

The next day is it for the wife too colorful.

She calls her friend and tells him the problems.

He immediately comes and repaired the faucet and the ceiling.

In the evening when the husband reads the newspaper again, the wife says proudly: "Dear take a look, the faucet does not drip any more and from the ceiling is no more crumbling plaster."

He: "Who has made the repairs? It has surely cost a lot of money ..?"
She: "No, no, that got repaired by an acquaintance. He wanted as payment either that I bake him a cake or have sex with him ..."

He: "Yes, and you have baked him a cake?"
She: "I'm not a baker ..."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor.

After the check-up the doctor calls the wife alone in his room and says. "Your husband is in a terrible condition, he suffers from a very serious illness that is associated with stress. You have to follow my instructions or he will die: make him every morning a nourishing breakfast, for lunch you give him a good meal that he can take to work and in the evening you cook him a really tasty dinner. Don't annoy him with unimportant and little things. That can even make his stress worsen. Don't discuss any problems with him. Try to relax him and massage him frequently. He should watch especially much team sports on TV and most importantly, satisfy him sexually completely several times a week. If you keep you on thin instructions for the next ten months, he will get healthy again."

On the way home, her husband asks: "What did the doctor tell you?"

The woman replies: "You will die"

An old couple gets asked by a reporter: "You are now 60 years married. How is it that they had a so harmonious marriage all these years?"

The husband takes his wife delicate hand and says gently: "It started everything on our honeymoon! We were on the road with mules to the Niagara Falls, as the animal of my wife stumbled! At the last second, my wife managed it to keep herself without plunging into the abyss on the animal and she mumbled only 'one'. A few kilometers later the animal fell a second time, my wife could prevent in the last second the fall in the depth and muttered only 'two'. It came as it should come, the animal fell a third time. Again my wife could only try utmost prevent the fall in the depth. This time she said 'three', rose from her Mule, pulled a 45 Magnum out of her backpack and shot the animal! As I was doing my displeasure and my objection about her behavior towards the animal my wife just looked at me and muttered 'one' ..."

A camel rider rides sweaty in the desert.

Suddenly he gets overtaken by an insanely quick flash.
Grade yet, he can see that it's been a cyclist.

Later at a bar, he meets the cyclists and asks him how he can go so fast.

He replies: "I'm going as fast as I can, then the wind comes towards me, which cools me down and this way I can continue so on."

The camel rider thinks to himself: "Cool, that I must try also."

Then he takes his camel, riding as fast as he can and all of a sudden his camel falls down dead.

He then: "Oops, I think now my camel got frozen!"

A man drives by car.

Suddenly, he sees a frog on the road and can slow down just in time.

The frog granted him a wish, because he has spared his life.

The man wants a bridge from Berlin to New York.

That is for the frog is too heavy, he asks the man to want anything else.

The man shows a photo of his wife to the frog and wishes that she wins a beauty contest.

Then the frog asks: "Should the bridge have two or lanes?"

Count Dracula is with a friend on a boring Halloween party.

Since his friend said to him: "I fly just going time to get me something to drink!"
He immediately jumps out the window and come back after five minutes with a bloodied face.

"Well, that was fast!" Dracula says admiringly at his friend.
"How did you do it just as quickly?"

"Can you see from here the lamppost down there?"
"Yes, of course," says Dracula.

"But not me!"

Meeting of two pastors.

"My bicycle has been stolen yesterday", one complains.

The other: "watch out! If you stand on the pulpit next Sunday, simply preach the ten commandments! "When you say: 'You shall not steal', you need only to see who flinches from the community."

Both meet next Monday.

"Well, it worked?", one wants to know.
"Already, but differently than you had thought. Because before 'You shall not steal' is indeed 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and then I remembered where I have left my bike."